As the first month of 2012 comes to a close, I find it extremely humbling that the message at Flood tonight was related to my New Year’s Resolution for 2012: Forgiveness. As I’ve mentioned before, 2011 sucked. I mean, really sucked. It was an awful year. From January to December, one thing after the other just seemed to smack me in the face, knock me off my feet, and then kick me while I was down. Now I’m not entirely pessimistic about 2011, because there were some really great things that took place (like graduating college, being a part of Occupy LA, going to New York for New Years, and getting a job in San Diego). However, there was a lot of crappy stuff that happened as well, and a lot of pain that derived from it.
So when I got to church tonight, I was not expecting to be confronted with my already-failing New Year’s Resolution….29 days into the new year! First, the worship team had a moment of silence for people to be able to confess any sins they could think of. As awful as it may sound, none came to my mind. I know there were/are many, but I just couldn’t name them in my head. That was short-lived because when Pastor Matt stepped up to speak, and said tonight was about forgiveness, I instantly felt my stomach churn.
You see, my New Year’s Resolution was to have a MUCH better year than 2011. To never allow myself to fall into the same situations I had put myself into in 2011. To deepen the friendships that I still have, rather than dwell on all of the ones I lost. My 2012 is to be healthy, happy and positive, completely opposite from 2011.
But I realized tonight that I’m not ready to forgive all the people who have wronged, betrayed and abandoned me. I am in a place where the pain from my year and my loss of friendships have just begun to settle. I have recently established my new routine of my life without them. It still pains me to think of the loss, but it warms my heart (somewhat) to think of what could blossom in the future.
So when Matt preached from Matthew 18:21-35 about the servant being forgiven by his master of his debts, I felt myself resist…and, needless to say, brought to consciousness all of the sins that I couldn’t name earlier. I don’t want to forgive people who don’t even feel that they’ve wronged me- or care if they have. I don’t want to forgive them once, let alone 77 times. Tonight surfaced the bitterness I have suppressed so deep that it led myself to believe I was already “over it”. In reality, I haven’t moved on yet. I am still in that mentality Matt mentioned of “grace for me, justice for them”. So I guess my 2012 resolution will now have to include forgiving those 6 or 7 people, and letting go– even if they don’t care about how their decisions have affected me. Heavy stuff. It’s going to be a tough year, I think.